Why does it feel so different?

While talking with a friend tonight, I was trying to help her through the death of a child in her family and I told her the reason this particular grief takes such a massively different form is just this........

the lost of a child is the lost of so much innocence, something so profoundly beautiful that it is what causes the huge gaping hole inside of us because that child's love and laughter was once there.

On the outside Randy Lee and I seem like any childless couple who are in their mid-twenties. But that's just the outside. Like the saying goes, "Never judge a book by it's cover". We both have changed so much in the short four years of our marriage. Life in general changes you but you say goodbye to your old self whenever you lose a child. So we've said "goodbye" to who we were three times. It makes for some confusing times. I remember the first time I laughed after losing RJ and I quickly stopped. It didn't feel right to laugh without him. He always moved for joy in my belly while I was pregnant with him and laughed. So was it okay to laugh without him? Why would this new person want to laugh when her baby is gone? There are so many new emotions that you don't know what to do with them. There are times whenever I have no idea how I feel about something because I can't figure it out. There are things I am getting to experience that I want my children right beside me to see.

The grief that comes from losing a child makes you see the world in a different light. A lot of us angel moms have found each other and connected. Really, the only thing we are connected in is that we know the magnitude of the grief. We know the ache of physically feeling your heart hurt from missing your child so much. We know the physical pain in your arms after the first few weeks as if your arms are almost "sighing" in relief from not holding a child and yet you want that child there so badly. In the reality of it all we have connected through the grief but that is as far as it goes with having things in common. We all handle it differently. We all express our grief differently. What works for one, may cause painful memories for another. The best type of support we can give each other is "I know the pain of losing my baby". 

I have to say though, I don't have any regrets from my pregnancy with RJ besides a few minor things I wanted done. I lived everyday as if it was my last one with him. Unfortunately my life had taught me previously that you never know how long you have your children with you. So why not cherish them? Live in the moment. Let them be kids. Be a kid right along with them during play time. To any mommas out there that are reading this..... please hug your babies extra tight for me tonight. Because this momma is missing her babies something fierce.

Selah's "I Will Carry You"