Lines on my body

This was written just over a month after RJ's death.

These lines on my body bring me sadness.
Some call them wrinkles, some call them stretch marks, some call them creases in your skin.
Each one remind me of something.
I have aged a lot in the last three years.
I look back at pictures from when Randy Lee and I got married and it amazes me at the difference in my face.
These lines have come with a lot of hardship, tears, and grief.
Being pregnant in itself will wear a body down.
Being pregnant three times within two years will just about kill ya.
Add on top of that the fact that I've lost all three children...
you might as well put me in the ground... Its a wonder I'm still here.
Heck sometimes I'd rather be with my children... okay so a lot..
but I know that when God gets ready for me to go Home I will.
I've been told that your stretch marks are supposed to be tiger strips..
I was proud of my stretch marks when i had RJ.
He was such a handsome little boy.
To think Randy Lee and I could produce something so perfect and beautiful...
I felt like I had earned my "stripes and lines"
Now, I have nothing to show for them.
I have pictures.
I want a child in my arms to show off.
I want a cuddly little baby who loves to snuggle up on mommy's chest.
People say that children give you gray hairs and wrinkles.
While that is true.. you're children being taken from you will add more wrinkles, worry lines, whatever you want to call them, than having your children happy and laughing and enjoying life ever could.
It adds permanent bruises under your eyes from lack of sleep.
It causes your eyes to look swollen 24/7
Evidently you walk around with a sad look on your face without even knowing it according to a few people close to me
I would say that I want to erase these lines.
But erasing them would be erasing my stories.
The same stories that have given me a stronger backbone, a bigger heart, a greater passion for giving God glory,
most of all the same stories that have given me my beautiful children.
My beautiful children who are no longer with me.
All I want to do when I look in the mirror is cry.
I see the stories everywhere.
I know God has a plan for me.
Sometimes I just want to hit the fast forward button and get to the part where I have children.
Then I remind myself that having children may not be in His plan.
Maybe someday I can see these lines and see beauty.