Waves of Sadness

This was written also about a month after RJ died.

For the most part I don't mope around. I try really hard to find the happiness in conversation, the beauty of the scenery, or the bright side of a seemingly dark moment. There are times when out of the blue it will hit me that whatever I'm doing... I wouldn't be doing it if RJ were here. Then I just want to (in the words of a dear friend of mine) fall to the ground, pitch a big fit until somebody comes up and says "Just kidding! Here's your baby!" But I know thats not going to happen. Hey, a grieving momma can dream though right?! Instead of carrying my baby around and showing his latest "trick" I get to share his pictures and talk about the same stuff over and over. Sometimes I feel like a robot because I want to talk about RJ and share him because I'm so proud of him but I end up repeating the same thing over and over because I don't have new stories to tell. Randy Lee and I attended a family reunion today and Randy Lee is the only one who can carry on his last name.. hence the reason we made RJ a junior.. sadly all we had was pictures to show of him instead of him being there. He's such a handsome little guy. I feel like I have this neon sign above my head that says "Watch out grieving mother, she'll ramble on and on about her dead kid" I'm currently on a job hunt. I'd love to find one with benefits because the sooner we get our genetic testing done the sooner we can make an informed decision on whether we want to try to have more children or not. I myself am always going to want a child that looks like me and Randy Lee. But if things don't look good then I'm not about to try to bring a child into this life for it to suffer just to fufill my dream. Then I'm caught in the thought of "Who am I to chose whether I am going to try again? Should I not trust God that He will give us a child?" What do you think?