If you want a change

This was written about a week after.

Some people say they are bored with their lives. Some just don't know where their life is headed. Some feel they aren't as close to God as they would like.
At some point and time in my life I have been each of these. When we got pregnant with our daughter Phoebe in March of 2010, I started praying to God that our baby would be healthy. Every time I puked I would pray the same prayer "God please just make our baby healthy." Those were my exact words. It became like a mantra for me. I thought them automatically anytime I was sick. It came to the point where even though I wanted our baby to be healthy.. I was going through the motions of praying for our baby to be healthy. I can remember praying a prayer after we got through the first trimester of pregnancy, "God, I don't feel close to you anymore" Well, let me tell you, God will bring you closer to Him if that is your desire. On June 8, 2010 at 3:30pm I cried out in prayer "Father, why?" We had just found out that our baby girl didn't have a heartbeat. You want to talk about being broken? I had pieces of me everywhere because the doctor had just shattered me. However, before I even walked out of that office God was picking up the pieces. How? Because I no longer addressed my prayer to God, I addressed my prayers to my Heavenly Father. I instantly clung to God as soon as I was told the news. My prayers of not feeling close to God had been answered. I'd never dreamed of Him getting my attention in that way. I'd never dreamed of being tested in that way. But that is the way He chose.
From that moment on.. I prayed "Your will be done Father in my life"
I went through a deep state of depression after losing Phoebe. I still remained close to God but I had no desire to do anything else.
Fast forward ten months and we discovered we were expecting again. We shared the news with our families and started dreaming dreams of our newly discovered little one. The whole time I prayed "Father may Your Will be done in my life" Sadly we lost that baby as well just a few weeks later on May 18, 2011. We were devastated. I didn't understand why God would test us again. There were times when I wanted to lash out at God. But I always reminded myself that God had a plan.
Then came our sweet RJ. We got through the pregnancy and got to have him home. We were so so thankful to have him with us. We had prayed over him the whole pregnancy. Once again I prayed "Your Will be done Father" On May 17, 2012 after being up all night I'd gotten to sleep for about an hour and a half and woke up to my husband screaming "RJ is dead" I prayed. Begged. Pleaded. "Father please don't take my baby. Please don't take another baby from me" And once again, God decided to call our sweet child home.
If you think your life is boring, or you just want a change, ask for God's Will to be done in your life. Really desire it. Because he will get your attention and bring you closer to Him. It may seem my life is sad, or that I have had a hard time at life, but I have God beside me every step of the way. While I am weak, and I can't find the strength to stand some days, there is nothing that God can not handle. He can overcome anything. So with Him on my side, I can do anything I set my mind to. I just have to let him be my strength and let Him be seen.
I find beauty in the smallest things. I love seeing the sun rays coming out from behind a cloud. I appreciate every day I wake up because I know that tomorrow it could all be over.  I appreciate a smile or cuddle from a baby because some can be very picky who they give those to.  I take the time to clean off a child so they know what its like to be taken care of. I slow down and enjoy moments where my husband and I just find comfort in being beside each other. I savor every carefree moment I can because in that moment, I don't feel sad.
If you want to change your life.. don't just go through the motions. Don't say "I don't feel close to God" and not pray, or not study the bible. You have to truly mean you want to be closer. Once you mean it, watch out. God WILL change your life. While He's put me through tests, He's shown me beauty, and grace, and never ceases to amaze me.