I wrote this 10 days after RJ died. I know it is long but I feel it would not do any justice to shorten it. I will warn you. It does include details from the morning he died. It could be upsetting.
To a parent who has lost a child, there is no greater wish than to have that child back. Ultimately, It has to be accepted that nothing they can say, do, or feel will be able to do that. It has to be accepted that nothing will change what has happened. All the "I'm sorry"s in the world will just make a dent in the healing process. Everybody means well. Its the best way to show you care in some cases. But in that moment, the bereaved parent, while still appreciative, is numb. They are going through their worst nightmare. A million questions are running through their head. Sometimes all that is occumpanied by anger, sometimes bitterness, sometimes a feeling of being lost, and sometimes all these. For parents like us who have already lost two you can imagine how thrilled, anxious, scared, hopeful, relieved, and well, you get the picture of how we felt when we found out we were expecting RJ.
RJ, standing for Randy Lee Brock Jr, was a very special baby from the beginning. September 3, 2011 at about 5:30pm, we found out that he was on his way. The next week I was already in the ER with cramping. RJ was having trouble growing and I needed progesterone. At the time all we could see was the sak. I was supposed to be further along than what I was. Luckily the doctor in the ER realized that and gave us a perscription of Progesterone to last until I could get in to see my doctor. The doctor put me on a daily dose for the first 12 weeks of the pregnancy. I am one of those women who are blessed with morning sickness and the lovely Progesterone made it worse making it hard for me to work. Due to an unfair boss, I ended up coming home to take care of myself and the baby. Every night I prayed to God. Instead of asking for RJ to stay with us... I prayed thanking Him for the time we were getting to spend with RJ so far and thanking Him for letting us have as much time as he gave us with our little bundle.
At 6 weeks 2 days we found a heartbeat on the ultrasound. Made it past that milestone! I had started having nightmares about losing our sweet baby boy and wasn't sleeping well at all. I decided to get a scrapbook so I could record everything and write letters to our sweet little boy. In doing so, the nightmares slowly began to go away. I only wrote positive thoughts, and encouraged our little boy to keep growing and stay healthy. I joked with him about giving me morning sickness, and even told him about The University of Alabama's 13th National Championship.
At 13 weeks I had a lot of cramping again. We put a call into the doctor who got me in right away. She let us listen to the heartbeat, and assured us everything was fine. I asked her if I could just see our baby because I never got to see the other two alive. She took us to the ultrasound room and let us see RJ moving around. She took a peak and guessed he was a little boy but we would know for sure in about 5 weeks. My husband and I both were thrilled and relieved to hear that we had a healthy baby.
During the 16th week I became dehydrated. The same thing had happened with our oldest child, Phoebe, so we were terrified history was going to repeat itself. We were so relieved to see our little guy moving around.
As our anatomy scan drew closer I became more anxious. We found out that we had lost our oldest child, Phoebe, at our anatomy scan during the 18th week. We were keeping RJ's gender a secret till Christmas. Our gift to everybody was them finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. Sure enough when the time came, RJ was still RJ and still looked healthy. We prayed that night thanking God not only for our time so far with RJ but that RJ was still with us.
Christmas came and as we asked everybody to guess we recorded in RJ's scrapbook who guessed what. We loved watching family open their pictures. They had to read a poem and the answer wasn't until the very bottom. Everybody was happy and looking forward to his arrival. Now we could shop for blue!
The rest of the pregnancy flew by. As my belly kept growing I stayed busy with classes at school, we moved closer to family, and as far as we knew everything was still great with RJ. Every week had me scared we were going to lose him. Every week we got closer to the end we got more excited. We finally let ourselves buy him a crib and mattress after being scared for so long. I found myself thinking "what would we do with all of this if something happened and we lost him?" I told myself that everything was looking good and everything was going right this time. Third time is the charm right?
As the end of the pregnancy got closer I felt like I had a 20 pound basketball on my stomach, I had heartburn like nobody's business, I was tired all the time, got out of breath faster than anybody I've ever met. But I was elated to have made it. I made it to the end and my baby would be okay if something happened and they had to get him out.
As I reached full term I wanted him here. I wanted him here right then. Something told me to get him here. As I got closer to 40 weeks and he hadn't come yet I asked my doctor about an induction. Since I was already dialating and showing early signs of labor we set the induction date for May 8, 2012. We had decided early on that we wanted time to ourselves with RJ before we called family. So we weren't going to tell anybody that we had left for the hospital when the time came. We arrived at Cullman Regional Medical Center at midnight on May 7, 2012. I was already dialated to 3 when I arrived. I had been walking all day long feeling contractions trying to get them to get closer together so that he would come on his own. At 5 am they came in to start the medicine to induce and at 8am they broke my water. I originally had wanted to labor without pain meds but once they broke my water I needed something to edge off the pain. They came in giving me something to take the edge off and gave me phenegran as well. This immediately made me want to sleep. I started feeling the contractions through my drowsy state just before 10am and my sweet husband asked them for an epidural for me. Once they gave me the epidural they discovered I was dialted to 8 cm already. They went and got the doctor. I pushed for 15 minutes and Randy Lee Brock Jr was born at 10:34 am. He weighed 7 pounds 11 oz and was 21 inches long. I had wanted to do skin on skin with him as soon as he was here but when they brought him up for me to see him he was blue and wasn't moving or breathing. He had come with the cord wrapped around his neck. The doctor had to cut the cord as soon as she saw it so that it wouldn't choke our sweet baby boy. Once he finally started to cry so did we. We finally had our "Rainbow Baby". This term is given to babies born after a loss. A rainbow comes in the sky after a storm, and while you don't forget the storm and the storm still leaves its mark, the rainbow brings a lot of joy and happiness to those around it. We had agreed that Randy Lee was going to go to the nursery with RJ anytime he needed to go so that one of us was always with him. Once in the nursery they monitored his breathing and made the comment about his heart rate being through the roof and his breathing being really fast. They brought him to me to nurse thinking it would calm him down. He got to stay in the room after that. Our sweet baby boy had a head full of brown hair and blue eyes. Just like in his ultrasound pictures he loved to keep his hands around his face. We were in love with him from the very start. We couldn't put him down. We thanked God for getting RJ here safely and healthy. I loved to have RJ on my chest and he loved being there. Randy Lee and I passed him back and forth all day and couldn't wait to call family once they got off work. Family came with their cameras and took pictures and held him. He was well on his way to being spoiled already. Randy Lee had a test the next morning so I was trying my hardest to keep RJ quiet so he could sleep. The only thing that ended up calming him down was putting him skin on skin against my chest and letting him sleep there. The next morning while Randy Lee went to take a test my mother came and held RJ while I got a shower and freshened up. He already thought he had to be held and fussed when he was put down. We both laughed at how much he already loved to be held. I didn't care though. I was happy to hold him. I wanted to hold him 24/7.
Everything seemed to be fine at the hospital and we were cleared to go home. We rode home so thrilled to finally have him with us. We finally had a baby in our arms. The first night I sat in the recliner and held him all night. Randy Lee would hold him if I need to get something or do something. He enjoyed holding him as much as I did. He was one proud daddy. The Sunday after I had RJ was Mother's Day. I had been pregnant the last two years on Mother's Day and lost both of them, I was determined to have RJ at church and be able to present him to the church on Mother's Day. I dressed him in a little blue onesie that had a collar and a frog on it. Put his socks on, his little hat, and wrapped him in his blanket. We all matched wearing blue and got to church just after it started. It was raining that morning so we had to wait for a break in the rain to get him in the car and again wait to get him out. When our pastor called us up front Randy Lee and I both were grinning from ear to ear. We stood up there proud as peacocks of our little boy. We had to pass him back and forth during the service because we both wanted to hold him so much. Everybody made their rounds and made comments on how handsome he was and how we had him in all blue. We couldn't stop grinning as we made our way out of church with him. On our way home I noticed RJ's lips started turning blue while he was sitting in his carseat. I checked the indicator on the side and it was at the right angle. It wasn't cold, it was very humid due to rain, but I tucked the blanket around him over his belts anyway just in case. Still his lips were blue. The ride seemed to take forever but I was finally able to get him out. I made a mental note to check the tightness of the straps to see if I could loosen them just slightly with them still being safe and see if that was the problem.
We went over to Randy Lee's grandmother's for a little bit and spent some time with his family as RJ got passed to the mothers. He stayed asleep the whole time as they just cuddled him. Once we left and came home I spent time with my mother. Once again RJ got cuddled and held and fussed over. We still hadn't slept a full night through without him being held by us. We didn't care. We were too happy to have him with us to care wether he slept without us holding him. However, as it got closer to a week I started trying to get him to sleep without us holding him. I was failing something miserable. He still slept almost all the time and would sleep right through feedings which started to worry me. I was afraid something wasn't right but was assured by fellow mommies that he would eat when he was hungry and newborns can be that sleepy the first little bit. He was very fussy on Tuesday night and during the day Wednesday. I finally got him to calm down late Wednesday afternoon but figured he just was waking up and had his days and nights mixed up. As it became night fall he woke up and would not go to sleep. He just made this grunting noise like he was uncomfortable and no matter what I did all night long I could not calm him. I had been up for over 24 hours with the exception of a 30 min nap by 4am. I had been trying to let Randy Lee sleep so we could switch up and by 4 am I was ready to switch. So I walked out of the bedroom with our little guy. Little did I know, that would be the last time I would hold him alive.
Randy Lee and I switched so I could sleep some. I took the blanket and pillow on the couch and he settled into the recliner with RJ. About an hour and a half after I'd gone to sleep Randy Lee mentioned that RJ was breathing funny. Next thing I know he started screaming "RJ's dead baby! He just died!" I jumped up from the couch and screamed "Don't tell me that. Don't you dare tell me my baby has died" He passed RJ to me and he didn't move. I immediately tore open his sleeper and my shirt for skin on skin. I started messaging anywhere I could, and was kissing him. I tried stimulating him in anyway I could think of. Randy Lee meanwhile was calling an ambulance and took him from me to start CPR. While Randy Lee was doing CPR I called my parents and told them what was happening. He tried to tell me his parent's number so I could call him but I couldn't get my fingers to dial fast enough to keep up with his voice. I dropped to the floor and begged God to not take my baby. My precious baby boy was already my whole world. I couldn't lose him. I couldn't take it. I prayed and prayed and while I prayed I kept rubbing RJ's hands, feet, anywhere I could touch him to try to stimulate him without getting in the way of CPR. I felt so helpless. What else could I do but pray, plead, beg, with God and try to stimulate my little boy? My dad got there and took over for Randy Lee on CPR. Randy Lee meanwhile called his parents and was to the point of hysterics. I kept by RJ. The ambulance finally got there along with EMT people and a county cop. They came inside and saw RJ and immediately decided to take "IT" as they called him outside. I wanted to scream at them that the "IT" they were carrying in their hands was my baby boy. He was my miracle, my world, and I couldn't lose him. I tried to go to the ambulance, not caring I was still in my pajamas, to see my baby boy but was kept away. After changing clothes I sat out in the yard with Randy Lee while they worked on our baby. The neighbor's came over to see what had happened, my uncle who lives just down the road came down, and the people who delivered the newspaper slowed down trying to see what was going on. By this point Randy Lee's mother and grandfather had arrived as well and we were all crying, praying, and trying to stay calm. They finally said they were taking him to the hospital and I jumped up to ride with him. I had to ride in the other EMT truck. The driver went to get out of our yard and spun his tires because the grass was wet and he appologized. I told him I didn't care, he needed to get behind my baby and I didn't care how he drove in order to do that. I grabbed the handle on the dash board and the handle above the window and I was ready to go. We got to the hospital faster than I thought was possible. It seemed to take forever though, people just would NOT get out of the way. I just wanted to roll the window down and scream at them. Instead I just prayed they would have a heart and move. Once we arrived at the hospital they had the whole team in the room waiting for him. I was shown to a conference room to wait for news and was in there by myself till everybody else got there. Waiting in the room was pure torture. I wanted to cheer the doctors on to save our baby. To tell them to work their hardest. Someone from the hospital came in asking questions. The next to last time she came in my dad asked if they had been able to revive him yet and the answer was no. The doctors finally came in and gave us the worse news ever. They couldn't bring our sweet baby boy back. By that point our whole families, extended families, and part of our church family had made it to the hospital. All I could do was scream into Randy Lee. I couldn't believe we had lost yet another child. I was so numb. All I wanted to do was hold my baby. But they wouldn't let me. Due to RJ being a baby they are required by law in Alabama to do an investigation which included and autopsty.
Once they finally got done taking pictures of RJ, and the coroner had seen him, I was able to hold my baby. But I couldn't just hold him, they had to take a hospital blanket and wrap around him so that I wouldn't mess anything up. Randy Lee was so upset he couldn't stay in the room. My sweet baby boy had a tube coming out of his mouth. His head full of hair was losing its warmth. I kissed it as many times as the nurse would let me. I just sat there and rocked him and held him and cried. Everybody that was there came in to see him. I was just numb. When it came time to hand him over it was the hardest thing I've ever done up to that point. To see him laying in that huge hospital bed all wrapped up with a tube coming out of his mouth.. it broke my heart. I had to be helped out of the room. Once we left the hospital we went to my parent's house. I wanted to go back home at first and was mad because I couldn't. They were doing an autopsy on our baby that day and then were taking him to the funeral home.
The next day we went to the Funeral Home to make arrangements. It started to really hit me when we saw the casket that RJ was going to go in. We decided to bury his big sister with him so that they would be together. When Phoebe passed in 2010 we had no choice but to cremate her and put her in an urn. Now she would rest with her baby brother. We had already picked out RJ's clothes and brought his blanket we always wrapped him in as well. His mittens he always wore that said "Daddy's Little Buddy" were going to go on his hands. We had his little blue hat for his head and his onesie he wore on Mother's Day along with his socks he wore.
The visitation was on Saturday. I had several friends from Military Spouse Support Network (MSSN) that were trying to come. Seeing our sweet baby boy laying in the casket was hard. So many people came and each chance I got I just stood there beside RJ looking at him. I wanted to memorize everything. As the night was drawing to an end I was standing there looking at RJ when I hear a bunch of sniffles behind me. I turn around and there were my friends, my sisters, who had traveled all day long to get there to be with me. I hugged them in one huge group hug and we just cried. When the night came to an end they asked me if I wanted to hold RJ one last time. My immediate response was "yes" I don't care if he's dead and full of embalming fluid, what mommy wouldn't want to hold their child just one last time knowing they will never get the chance again. I held him and cried. Randy Lee held him for a moment and then handed him back. When I finally told myself I had to let him go and told the lady I was ready to let him go she motioned for me to lay him in the casket. My heart just sank even lower. How do you put your baby in a casket?! Randy Lee had to help me up as I carried him to his casket. Laying him down in that coffin .... I could barely bring myself to do it. I went to pieces just after. Somehow my legs functioned and took me out of the room... I'd never see my little boy again on this Earth. Ever.
Sunday was the funeral. I wasn't ready but knew I had to be. We asked the grandfathers to carry RJ in. They played "Rock-a-bye Baby" on the piano as he came in. It was one of the songs I sang to him the night before he died. Our preacher said a few words and a good friend of ours sang, we had "I'll Fly Away" which is Randy Lee's favorite and "How Great Thou Art" my favorite (both of which I sang to RJ the night before he died), played along with "Homesick" by MercyMe. On the last song Randy Lee and I went up to our little boy's coffin and just cried. When it was over and we walked out it was time to go to the cemetery. Our preacher said a few words again and then it was time to put him in the ground. I couldn't let him go in the ground without telling him again how much I love him. So I knelt by his coffin and just cried talking into it, talking to RJ telling him how much I love him and I missed him already. I had to watch them put our baby in the ground. Somebody had to jump down into the grave and be handed the coffin. The coffin was the smallest size available and very light even with RJ and Phoebe in it. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was watch my babies be put in the ground.
RJ has been mourned all over the world. Many of you have changed your profile picture to a ribbon with footprints and the saying "In Memory of RJ" I don't think I've ever known of a more loved baby than that little boy. There is no way I could have gotten through the last 10 months without God. He has carried me when I couldn't walk myself. There is no way I could get through the coming months without Him. Even when all I can say in a prayer is "Why" I still know that He is listening. Even when I get angry for Him not saving RJ I know that He has a plan. Randy Lee and I could be waiting up to 6 months for the results of the autopsy. All we want are answers. The doctors that worked on him think it could have been an undetected heart defect. I look back and wonder if I could have known. Where was my mother's intuition when he may have been suffering? Why didn't my mommy instinct kick in? Could I have done anything different? I pray our little boy wasn't in pain. I pray he knew he knew how much love was around him. If he was anything he was loved. I loved every little noise he made, even his cry. I loved everything to do with him. I love changing his diapers even. What I miss most of all, is him feeding. I loved when he ate because it gave us such a special bond. Not to mention he was so content, and I loved knowing I was able to fufill his need like that. Its amazing how in one week your whole life can change and your world revolves around this little person that you love and created. Thank you to all of you who have said a kind word, sent a card, thought about RJ, and most of all, thank you for loving RJ.
Mommy and Daddy love you sweet baby.
Randy Lee Brock Jr,
Affectionately known as "RJ"
May 8, 2012 to May 17, 2012
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