Sometimes I Wonder

When I was growing up, I was taught that there was no sadness in Heaven. But I can't help but wonder if RJ can look down and see my husband and I. Can he see everything we go through day after day? Can he see how empty our lives are without him? I can no longer just sit and do nothing because it seems so pointless. Growing up I always knew I wanted to be a mommy. When I had RJ at home safe in my arms finally it felt RIGHT. Like that was exactly what God wanted me to do. Like that was what I was meant to do. I have never felt that feeling at any other point of my life. I wish that just for a moment, I could hear his cry again or hear the sounds he made when he was nursing. Both were music to my ears whenever we had him in our arms. In the days following his death, I could hear his cry everywhere I turned. It was deafening. I couldn't escape from it and it was like torture. Now I would give anything just to hear it again. My memories of him are slowing fading. I can still remember the feelings, but the images are getting cloudy. It makes me so sad. I miss him so much it consumes me at times. My husband was in the Marines and likes to remind people "Once a Marine, always a Marine". It makes me think "Once a bereaved parent, always a bereaved parent." People seem to forget as time goes by that while the chaos of whenever they found out our child had died may be fading from their memory we still live it out every.single.day. There are things all around me that remind me of him. I see how we don't have a crib up. I can leave stuff in the floor because I don't have to worry about a small child coming along and putting it in their mouth. My husband and I can drop everything and go wherever and not have to worry about it. We wouldn't be able to do that with the kids. Instead of spending money on stuff for ourselves, we would be buying them toys. I wouldn't be in school, I would be taking care of the kids. Randy Lee might even still be in the Marines if Phoebe had lived. Sometimes I feel like as our lives are moving on we are leaving them behind. But losing a child changes you. You are never the same. You will never go back to who you were. You have to find a new normal. My husband and I have had to find a new normal three times now. We've had to change our hopes, dreams, and plans three times. That really runs a toll on you mentally and physically. There are two songs that make me think of RJ a lot. Black Stone Cherry's "Won't Let Go" and Otherwise's "Heaven"

Black Stone Cherry ~ Won't Let Go

Otherwise~ Heaven

Then you have your songs that you can't help but move and grove to. If I ever need a pick-me-up I always put on the song "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People. The lyrics are confusing and aren't that nice but just something about the song gets me to moving and in better spirits. Check it out and see what you think.

Foster the People ~ Pumped Up Kicks