As you may have noticed by the posting of a song link on almost all blog entries (besides the posts of old stuff!), I love music. I have played piano since I was 7 years old and have always had a love of music. I find myself able to express myself through the words of a song so easily. From the time I was really small I knew I wanted to be a mom. There has never been a doubt in my mind about whether I was going to be a mom or not. I just was and that was all there was to it. My want to be a mom is almost like a need to be a mom. Every fiber in my body wants a little one to take care of. I baby our dog like crazy. How many full grown Boxers do you know that have a heater, a quilt, toys galore, a security blanket for when it storms, has three water bowls, two food bowls, and knows he can get anything with just a small little squeak that makes him sound like he's still a puppy. And that's just the dog people. Our cat is slightly more spoiled. I just love taking care of my little family in any way that I can. With everything that happened with RJ, we both want to be sure we have degrees and good insurance before we try again. Which means finishing school. This won't be till next December for me, and May 2015 for him. This KILLS me. I do not want to wait that long to have a squishy little baby in my arms but I know it is for the best. I just hear a constant "tick tock" going on in the back of my head. Losing my children has me so turned around and confused on who I want to be, other than knowing I want my children to be proud of me, and who I am. I find my likes and dislikes changing all the time. People try to compare losing a child to so many things and you simply can't. There is nothing else in the world like it. I've heard all kinds of things from "oh my best friend died", "oh my dog died", "oh my mom died", or "oh my best friend's cousin died" These are simply not the same! It doesn't make them any less valid. The loss is real to them and that may be the most profound loss they have ever felt but that doesn't mean that it is the same as losing a child. I've been told that a parent who has a child that doesn't talk to them is the same. UM NO! I don't think so. That child doesn't talk to you for a reason. Either make things right or stop comparing them to real child loss. My children don't talk to me because THEY CAN'T. Because they are dead. So don't ever compare it. Ever. I can't wait for another chance to try again to bring a healthy child into our arms.
Here is the latest song I would like to post... I really like it and listen to it a lot. It has a few rude words in it so if you have kids in the room that pick up on things quickly and easily I'd wait till they were out of the room.
Fun ~ Some Nights
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Why does it feel so different?
While talking with a friend tonight, I was trying to help her through the death of a child in her family and I told her the reason this particular grief takes such a massively different form is just this........
the lost of a child is the lost of so much innocence, something so profoundly beautiful that it is what causes the huge gaping hole inside of us because that child's love and laughter was once there.
On the outside Randy Lee and I seem like any childless couple who are in their mid-twenties. But that's just the outside. Like the saying goes, "Never judge a book by it's cover". We both have changed so much in the short four years of our marriage. Life in general changes you but you say goodbye to your old self whenever you lose a child. So we've said "goodbye" to who we were three times. It makes for some confusing times. I remember the first time I laughed after losing RJ and I quickly stopped. It didn't feel right to laugh without him. He always moved for joy in my belly while I was pregnant with him and laughed. So was it okay to laugh without him? Why would this new person want to laugh when her baby is gone? There are so many new emotions that you don't know what to do with them. There are times whenever I have no idea how I feel about something because I can't figure it out. There are things I am getting to experience that I want my children right beside me to see.
The grief that comes from losing a child makes you see the world in a different light. A lot of us angel moms have found each other and connected. Really, the only thing we are connected in is that we know the magnitude of the grief. We know the ache of physically feeling your heart hurt from missing your child so much. We know the physical pain in your arms after the first few weeks as if your arms are almost "sighing" in relief from not holding a child and yet you want that child there so badly. In the reality of it all we have connected through the grief but that is as far as it goes with having things in common. We all handle it differently. We all express our grief differently. What works for one, may cause painful memories for another. The best type of support we can give each other is "I know the pain of losing my baby".
I have to say though, I don't have any regrets from my pregnancy with RJ besides a few minor things I wanted done. I lived everyday as if it was my last one with him. Unfortunately my life had taught me previously that you never know how long you have your children with you. So why not cherish them? Live in the moment. Let them be kids. Be a kid right along with them during play time. To any mommas out there that are reading this..... please hug your babies extra tight for me tonight. Because this momma is missing her babies something fierce.
Selah's "I Will Carry You"
the lost of a child is the lost of so much innocence, something so profoundly beautiful that it is what causes the huge gaping hole inside of us because that child's love and laughter was once there.
On the outside Randy Lee and I seem like any childless couple who are in their mid-twenties. But that's just the outside. Like the saying goes, "Never judge a book by it's cover". We both have changed so much in the short four years of our marriage. Life in general changes you but you say goodbye to your old self whenever you lose a child. So we've said "goodbye" to who we were three times. It makes for some confusing times. I remember the first time I laughed after losing RJ and I quickly stopped. It didn't feel right to laugh without him. He always moved for joy in my belly while I was pregnant with him and laughed. So was it okay to laugh without him? Why would this new person want to laugh when her baby is gone? There are so many new emotions that you don't know what to do with them. There are times whenever I have no idea how I feel about something because I can't figure it out. There are things I am getting to experience that I want my children right beside me to see.
The grief that comes from losing a child makes you see the world in a different light. A lot of us angel moms have found each other and connected. Really, the only thing we are connected in is that we know the magnitude of the grief. We know the ache of physically feeling your heart hurt from missing your child so much. We know the physical pain in your arms after the first few weeks as if your arms are almost "sighing" in relief from not holding a child and yet you want that child there so badly. In the reality of it all we have connected through the grief but that is as far as it goes with having things in common. We all handle it differently. We all express our grief differently. What works for one, may cause painful memories for another. The best type of support we can give each other is "I know the pain of losing my baby".
I have to say though, I don't have any regrets from my pregnancy with RJ besides a few minor things I wanted done. I lived everyday as if it was my last one with him. Unfortunately my life had taught me previously that you never know how long you have your children with you. So why not cherish them? Live in the moment. Let them be kids. Be a kid right along with them during play time. To any mommas out there that are reading this..... please hug your babies extra tight for me tonight. Because this momma is missing her babies something fierce.
Selah's "I Will Carry You"
Sunday, September 15, 2013
When it rains it pours right?!
The past three weeks have been such an emotional roller coaster! My sweet husband started out with Allergies, then it became a Sinus Infection along with Bronchitis, next thing I know my husband is waking up at 2am is extreme pain with an extremely high blood pressure (180/110) and fever (103). So I take him to our local hospital. He was diagnosed with food poisoning and while they were ruling out anything else they came back and said that his appendix needed to come out on top of that. (Yipee! NOT) So I got to spend from 2am till 9:30pm at our local hospital waiting on my husband to be taken care of. Thanks to the Bronchitis they had to have him on oxygen for a while. We missed a huge assignment as we were focusing on getting him better and the department head doesn't want to let us turn it in even though we have all the documentation from him being sick. I've had some not so nice responses to me staying home and taking care of my husband. I now have a possible allergic reaction (maybe) to mosquito bites. They turn into swollen red painful knots. I woke up this morning with major ear pain. Lovely.
I am in major need of retail therapy! Like a full on shopping spree. Wouldn't that be awesome!
I was just watching the Miss America pageant and was so rooting for Miss Florida. Dang.
When I am really emotional, I usually find myself thinking of RJ a lot and came across this link somebody posted on Facebook that is really useful for those who want to help grieving parents and want to understand but don't know what to do...
How to Talk to A Parent Who has Lost A Child
It is brilliant!
I hope anybody who reads this has had a better last few weeks than I have!
I am in major need of retail therapy! Like a full on shopping spree. Wouldn't that be awesome!
I was just watching the Miss America pageant and was so rooting for Miss Florida. Dang.
When I am really emotional, I usually find myself thinking of RJ a lot and came across this link somebody posted on Facebook that is really useful for those who want to help grieving parents and want to understand but don't know what to do...
How to Talk to A Parent Who has Lost A Child
It is brilliant!
I hope anybody who reads this has had a better last few weeks than I have!
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